The Princess Problem
When our oldest was about 3 year old, she became obsessed with princesses. In an effort not to thrust my own baggage onto her, I proceeded very carefully. When we had kids, we’d agreed to raise them without the expectations of conforming to traditional gender norms. We want our children to feel liberated and empowered to be individuals. We’d been incredibly intentional about the games, books and media we provided to our children those first few years so that we could provide a strong neutral foundation. We’d held off on Disney princesses for a variety of reasons, but when the pandemic hit and our jobs expected us to continue as if no children existed in our home, we fully gave in to Disney+. We started with Moana and Frozen, but quickly slid down the (glass)slippery slope into full blown princess territory.
When the kids are little, they glom onto pretty much whatever you put in front of them. You’re their first introduction to so many topics and it feels relatively manageable to share your values with them without much outside influence. We got away with afternoons full of Puffin Rock, the Koala Brothers and the live-action Garfield movie on repeat for as long as we could. But by the time our oldest was 3, she was in full time daycare and susceptible to the influence of others. We’d lost control! She came home with ideas about “boys toys and girls toys” and had already started playing more with the girls in class than the boys(something teachers should be aware of! Please, no more boys lines versus girls lines)!
Let’s start with why we held off. Each of the princess stories are independently problematic, but all of them have themes of self-sacrifice, defining oneself by proximity to others, objectification and blind compliance. One insidious aspect of princess culture as a whole is the way that beauty is so tied to “goodness.” In most fairytales and princess stories, the villains are identified by their noted lack of beauty. You can immediately identify the hero or the villain based on looks(plain versus vibrant, big doe eyes versus small plain features). Even if you removed every ounce of misogyny from the Disney princess movies, they remain full of racist generalizations as well as horrific songs and imagery. We knew we couldn’t shelter them from it forever, but we wanted to make sure we were presenting it to our kids when they were old enough to discuss the themes(in an age appropriate way) and have a conversation about what was or wasn’t ok and why. These aren’t the kinds of movies we felt we could put our kids in front of and know they’d be in good hands. Peggy Orenstein does a great deep dive into this in Cinderella Ate My Daughter(highly recommend!) Meanwhile, thank goodness for PBS, am I right?
Aside from avoiding blatant sexism and racism in the media we shared with our kids, we also chose to avoid storylines that used gender as a main theme or plot driver. For as long as we could, we wanted to avoid our kids attributing their individual traits to their gender. In an effort for our children to see themselves as whole people, separate from a socially constructed idea of gender, we were trying to minimize the importance of gender altogether. We want our kids to grow up knowing that their gender is the least interesting them about them.
As often as we can, we remove any mention of gender from our household. Even before our first was able to lift her head, I’d been gifted a copy of Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue and I’m forever grateful for it. One of the most profound insights I gained from Spears’s book was how the frequent use of gendered language reinforces the importance of gender in our society. Frequent use of gendered language also reinforces binary thinking and harmful patriarchal generalizations. Well intentioned parents looking to empower their children will say things like:
“You’re such a smart little girl!”
“You’re the bravest girl I’ve ever met!”
“Hey funny girl, nice to see you!”
“You’re such a sweet little boy!”
“You’re a silly boy. I love it!’
“You’re such a loving boy!”
These compliments are meant to highlight positive traits in a child and help them build confidence. They push back against traditionally gendered traits and show boys that they can be kind, silly and loving or that girls can be smart, brave and funny. But our young ones don’t carry the years and years of sexist social messaging and don’t yet know that these traits are traditionally tied to one gender or another. They’re little sponges soaking up whatever language we give them. They’re picking up on how we talk about ourselves and others and noticing important language patterns. By putting these traits(silly, funny, brave) in the same sentence as a gender word(girl/boy), you’re sending two very strong messages:
Traits are related to gender and thus should be categorized by gender.
Gender is the most important trait. Other traits are important, but less so.
Those original phrases are a good step toward challenging the patriarchy, but we can do even better. Stick with me. In three statements describing the child, the speaker mentioned the child’s trait one time each(smart, brave, funny), but repeated their gender over and over(girl, girl, girl). The emphasis lies in the repeated statement. Our brains are amazing and they love to run efficiently, so they organize information by importance. Our kids hear “I’m a girl first. I am smart, brave and funny second.” You might be asking yourself why this is an issue at all. That might be a blog for another day, but in short: separate does not mean equal and rigid gender roles harm everyone. By starting young and de-emphasizing gender binary and traditional gender norms, we set our kids up to think of themselves and others as individuals rather than first making assumptions based around made-up societal expectations.
What can we do about this? Use gender neutral language whenever possible. Instead of “girl or boy” just use “kid.” Calling your family the #girlgang or calling yourself a #boymom sends a message that their gender is incredibly important, not only to them, but to you! This is especially important to reflect on as we work on making the world safe for LGBTQIA+ youth. If a kid thinks their parent’s identity is tied to the child’s gender, they may hesitate to come to you if they don’t feel they identify with their assigned gender. In the world at large, make minor language shifts. Instead of fireman or firewoman, try firefighter. Policeman/policewoman is police officer. Even cowboy/cowgirl can be cowpoke! My kids are smart kids, brave kids and silly kids. I’m a parent, we get mail from our postal worker and we call our alderperson about community issues. None of those statements require knowing someone’s gender and all of these gender neutral terms normalize seeing people as individuals.
By de-emphasizing the binary, utilizing gender neutral language and providing diverse experiences for my kids, it means truly not assigning gender to those things. Gender neutral doesn’t just mean green and gray baby clothes or girls with “boy” names. It means that princesses, sparkles, trucks, dinosaurs, animals, sports, games… all of those things are neutral. Princesses are neutral. So when our 3 year old started asking for princess gear, we were happy to indulge her, thoughtfully. I hunted near and far for books that highlighted the parts of being a princess that got our kid excited(brave, strong, adventurous) while de-emphasizing gender. Wanna guess how hard that was? Very. Fricking. Hard. So I’m doing the work for you! Below, you’ll find three of my favorite not-terrible princess books(and a runner up). These picture books are still bedtime favorites with our still princess-obsessed 5 year old. Enjoy!
Here are our favorite “not-terrible” princess books:
The Worst Princess by Anna Kemp
We like it because the main takeaway is that individuals don’t belong to anyone else and that autonomy is important. It’s a nod to the possessive storylines of princess Jasmine(belonging to someone) and princess Belle(sacrificing one’s own needs for the needs of others, despite the abuses of the love interest) without naming it outright. The main character is direct, decisive and determined. We love to see it!
Not All Princess Dress in Pink by Jane Yolen and Heidi E. Y. Stemple
Princess do tons of awesome things. They also wear whatever the heck they’d like. I love this book because it highlights different ways that kids can be brave, fun and adventurous. Every time we read it, my daughter loves pointing out which outfits and activities she’d like to do. The art is great and the story follows a predictable and engaging repetition pattern so even pre-readers can participate in the story telling.
Interstellar Cinderella by Deborah Underwood
An independent main character, a modern take on a classic story and amazing art by Meg Hunt. I think it’s a great book but a fun bonus is how well it lends itself to practicing comprehension skills. Comparing familiar stories to other familiar stories is an important reading skill and is one of the common core state standards. If you like watching Cinderella, use this one to compare and contrast and build those language arts skills.
Runner up:
Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch
I can dig it. Badass princess calls dead-beat, ungrateful prince on his BS and kicks him to the curb. I think this book would be great for kids who already have a grasp on the misogyny of traditional princess stories. It’s funny and sweet and the princess is the real hero.
