So you want to belong?
Trade your bootstraps in for a picnic blanket. We’re done with dominance and embracing community.
“Mind your business individually. Do work systemically. And most importantly, model non-white ways of building and sustaining community.” - Jameelah Jones(she/they), @sunnydaejones on tiktok + IG
At it’s core, the American dream is rooted in toxic individualism. We’re told we should aim to be ruggedly independent and that strength comes from overpowering the weak through a culture of dominance. In The Will to Change, bell hooks writes that, “[w]hen culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent, but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.” The patriarchy has us looking at relationships as if they are all power struggles. Friendships, partnerships and communities are all framed as opportunities to win. In a culture that values independence, we’re always climbing one another's back to get to some end goal. Ultimately we exploit and harm one another in our pursuit to feel powerful. In contrast, what these stories of community have taught me is the value of reciprocity and interdependence. A lone cattail will blow over with one strong gust of wind, but a series of them held together by rhizomes underneath the swamp will survive the storm. If you feel like you want to cultivate community, you’re in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. We’re stronger together.
How We Show Up by Mia Birdsong
“We exist, not as wholly singular, autonomous beings, nor completely merged, but in a fluctuating space in between. This idea was expressed beautifully in Desmond Tutu's explanation of the South African concept of Ubuntu. He said, "It is to say, my humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours. We belong in a bundle of life. It is not I think therefore I am. It says rather: I am human because I belong, I participate, and I share.”
― Mia Birdsong, How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and CommunityHow We Show Up helped me answer the questions: “What communities do you already belong to” and “What communities can you build?” I’ll never forget the sensation of desperately hot tears streaming down my face as I peddled up the North Branch trail in Chicago, legs burning as I listened to Mia telling me stories of interdependence and community. How We Show Up came to me at the exact moment I needed it in life. The words in this book cut me deep to my core and bandaged me up all in the same swift move. I’ve spent so much of my life looking for where I might belong and Birdsong’s stories helped me understand that community, family and care look so many different ways. While I spent so long searching for where I might best fit in, she helped me see that I was already exactly where I needed to be. This book is a true gift.
2. Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
“In the Western tradition there is a recognized hierarchy of beings, with, of course, the human being on top—the pinnacle of evolution, the darling of Creation—and the plants at the bottom. But in Native ways of knowing, human people are often referred to as “the younger brothers of Creation.” We say that humans have the least experience with how to live and thus the most to learn—we must look to our teachers among the other species for guidance. Their wisdom is apparent in the way that they live. They teach us by example. They’ve been on the earth far longer than we have been, and have had time to figure things out.”
― Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants
Have you ever over strawberries? No? Well if you read Braiding Sweetgrass, you will. Robin Wall Kimmerer describes herself as a mother, scientist, decorated professor, and enrolled member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation. Her words are like poetry. She weaves her stories with wisdom of nature, science and beauty. Her subtle metaphors had me savoring every page of this book which is especially beautiful in self-narrated audio format.
3. Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde
“You do not have to be me in order for us to fight alongside each other. I do not have to be you to recognize that our wars are the same. What we must do is commit ourselves to some future that can include each other and to work toward that future with the particular strengths of our individual identities. And in order for us to do this, we must allow each other our differences at the same time as we recognize our sameness.”
― Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches
This is another one that came to me at exactly the moment I needed it in my life. Lorde’s fire can be felt in every word. She addresses oppression, love, rage and community with care and precision. Her voice is measured and clear, both a battle cry and a warm embrace. She has such an incredible way of authentically sharing her story in a way that also makes the reader feel seen. This book IS community.
4. Emergent Strategy by Andrienne Maree Brown
"Do you already know that your existence--who and how you are--is in and of itself a contribution to the people and place around you? Not after or because you do some particular thing, but simply the miracle of your life. And that the people around you, and the place(s), have contributions as well? Do you understand that your quality of life and your survival are tied to how authentic and generous the connections are between you and the people and place you live with and in?
Are you actively practicing generosity and vulnerability in order to make the connections between you and others clear, open, available, durable? Generosity here means giving of what you have without strings or expectations attached. Vulnerability means showing your needs."
— Adrienne Maree Brown (Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds)
First introduced to me by Riles of The Soft Heart Book Club, Emergent Strategy is like the cheerleader we all need. The author is a die-hard Octavia E. Butler fan and includes many of Butler’s lessons throughout. Emergent Strategy is about community, organizing and how to make change sustainably. One important lesson from this book is that forward movement must be collaborative and cannot happen in a vacuum. She highlights the brilliant minds that have influencer her work and does a beautiful job posing solutions to many real-life challenges. Jameelah(SunnyDeaJones) says she keeps a copy in her bag at all times.
5. The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks
“Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood, and that you are not worthy of being understood. It is a wall that separates you from others as effectively as if it were concrete, thick, and very high. There is no way through it, under it, or over it.”
― bell hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
A must-read. She so beautifully uncovers the ways in which our society has taken so much from us. This is really more of a must-read-a-few-times book. Buy a used copy and highlight it to bits. Take your time and mull over hooks’ thoughtful expressions. I honestly recommend reading anything hooks has ever written. Her musings about love, community and all of that within an “imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy” are exactly what all of us need to hear all of the time.
