The Nag Paradox
What is the Nag Paradox?
It starts with…
“Just tell me what to do!”
and turns into…
“Don’t tell me what to do!”
The Nag Paradox describes the relationship dynamic where one person directs and the other is directed. It’s the result of an imbalance of power and often, an imbalance specifically around who’s carrying more of the mental load and management responsibility. There are drawbacks to constantly telling someone what to do and also to being constantly told what to do. Often feelings of guilt, inadequacy, anger, and resentment.
This dynamic is the result of a culture that doesn’t value domestic labor. It’s the result of a culture that places no value on the mental and emotional labor required of keeping a household running. Regardless of their gender, whoever is carrying more of the domestic load is often carrying invisible, undervalued labor and when tasked with being the boss, they run a high risk of being seen as bossy.
The Nag Paradox:
can show up in any relationship, not just between romantic partners
is often the result of one person carrying the majority of the mental load in a household/work environment
is present when one person needs to be directed and then reacts poorly to being told what to do.
often leads to feelings of resentment, guilt, and inadequacy
The term “nag” often evokes an image of a needlessly annoyed individual, often a woman, hovering, nitpicking, and stressed over nothing. What are they upset about? It depends on who you ask! The nag paradox is a paradox because this dynamic of one person directing the other is usually the result of one partner asking for a list, claiming they’re not a mind reader. It’s a paradox because if the person requesting a list would be curious and engaged, they wouldn’t need to be guided. It’s a paradox because “nagging” often exists as a result of one person not holding themselves accountable for completing tasks independently. The nag paradox exists because reminders, feedback, and detailed to-do lists only exist as a result of one person being the keeper of household management.
What’s the alternative? Clear communication! Good faith effort! Intentionally setting standards and deciding who’s doing what and how!
If you don’t know what needs to be done, sit down and identify a few top priority tasks. If you’ve got 30 minutes, what are the first few tasks you’d knock out? In your house, what does it look like for the house to be picked up? What does it look like for the dishes to be done or the floors to be swept? If you don’t like directing or being directed, take the time to clearly discuss what tasks make an immediate impact. Decide who is responsible for certain tasks and empower one another with the information necessary to be successful! Instead of coping with the annoyance of the Nag Paradox, get curious! What would solve this problem? How could we build a system or communicate clearly to avoid this dynamic?
Meet weekly and use this time to set standards, trade tasks and take your household seriously. The resentment of one person managing more of the mental load, making more decisions and being put into the position of delegating, making decisions and giving guidance can be solved by doing the opposite! Work together. Be open and curious! You’re partners! Clear communication and some preventative care.
Start talking about who will take which task. Set standards. Talk through what it REALLY takes to get a task done. Make the invisible labor visible by laying it all on the table and talking about the mental and emotional aspects of the task. Don’t leave ANY detail left unspoken!
If you need a conversation guide, find it here!
The Persist App is an incredible tool! It has prompts built in, features for sorting tasks and setting standards, and even gives you access to personal assistant and coaching help.
The language of Fair Play is a great jumping-off point for these conversations. Much of the work has already been done for you. You can download the free list of 100 Fair Play cards or the digital organizer. These are the tasks of a household broken down and listen out for you! Watch this short intro to Fair Play video on Youtube (tip! Put it on 1.5 x speed and get through it even quicker!)
You can find other resources here!
Listen to Laura and Crystal on the Time to Lean Podcast!
